Burger King Loaded Steakhouse Burger

Bestowed unto you by royal decree of his starchy majesty.

I pulled into Burger King thinking I’d get my usual -- Double Stacker, Chicken Fries and onion rings. But that was before the Loaded Steakhouse Burger caught my eye.

At first, it seemed to be nothing more than a glorified bacon cheeseburger doused with A1 in an uninspired attempt to legitimize calling it “steakhouse.” Things didn’t get truly interesting until I saw the baked potato topping. It’s like they spread a scoop of cafeteria-style mashed potatoes across the upper half of the bun.

My first thought was, “Gross!” My second thought was, “I’m totally getting that.”

The Loaded Steakhouse Burger did not disappoint. The baked potato topping gives the bun a kind of extra starchy, creamy chewiness that keeps the bacon and the crispy onions in line. Meanwhile, it’s greasy anarchy down below with the 100% Angus beef, melty cheese and A1 steak sauce.

This burger deserves some fanfare for sheer audacity alone. However, after reading the following excerpt from a defiantly stone-faced yet technically correct press release, I have to wonder if Burger King is trying to pull a fast one or if they actually realize what it really is they’re selling here.

“Our new Steakhouse Burgers offer the indulgence of an entire steak dinner at a fraction of the cost,” said Russ Klein, president, global marketing, strategy and innovation, Burger King Corp.

Well, uh, okay, I guess -- I mean, if you consider a trip to the Sizzler an indulgence. Let me be clear, I am a fan of the Loaded Steakhouse Burger. But with all due respect, Mr. Klein, I don’t think anybody is going to mistake this for a trip to Plaza III.

Gumby's Pizza + Louise's Downtown

“Uh, hey -- do you guys deliver to KC?”

Ten years after graduating from college I can’t remember a thing from either semester I took of Astronomy, but I do still know the phone number for Gumby’s Pizza. So at the halfway point on the drive down K-10 with Shaw en route to see Wilco in Lawrence, I dialed 785-841-5000 to place an order for a pepperoni pizza and Pokey Stix. Since we had plans to rendezvous with Jeff, Jeremy and Ryan on Mass Street before the show, we picked up our food and took it with us to Louise’s Downtown.

We ordered schooners as soon as we walked through the door of the bar. Few things in life are as awesome as a schooner at Louise’s -- 32 oz. of ice cold domestic bliss served up in a glass goblet befitting of back alley royalty. They’re even better when daylight is coming through the front windows while you’re in one of the roomy wraparound booths where it’s kind of dark, the contrast making everything look all fuzzy as if you’re holding court with your friends at Cloud City's only dive bar. I'd halfway expect Lando Calrissian to walk in, only dressed more like Billy Dee Williams than Lando.

After Shaw and I said our hellos, we opened the Gumby’s box and discovered that they had neglected to actually cut our pepperoni pizza into slices, leaving us no choice but to literally tear into it. The pizza hit the spot, yet I couldn’t help feeling like there was something missing -- that delicious cheapness I loved was M.I.A. This was just...well...for better or worse, this was just pizza. Yeah, I know. I’m complaining about the pizza being higher quality than I remember.

Pokey Stix still rule. For the unfamiliar, think of a pizza cut vertically into thirds, and then cut across at about ¾” widths into tiny breadsticks. So garlicky. So buttery. And all that mozzarella-ella-ella-ella.

Couldn’t help but notice that the Gumby’s menu has gotten really complicated since we were in school. I’m fairly certain they only had pizzas and Pokey Stix back in the day -- now they’ve got salads, quesadillas, wings and like 25 or so different kinds each of subs, pasta, and rice bowls.

Let’s be honest. If you’re calling up Gumby’s, nine times out of ten you’ve already had a beer or eight. The last thing you want to do is to have to make a lot of decisions. And you’re certainly not thinking, “Rice bowl. I’d kill for a rice bowl.”

No, you need simple options. Gumby’s shouldn’t even give you a choice after 10 p.m. How it should work is you call them, tell them where you are, they bring you a pepperoni pizza and Pokey Stix, and you shut up and be happy about it. Might as well look on the bright side -- especially seeing as how there’s no more beer left in Lawrence because you just drank it all. At least you’re getting a late night snack.

As always, Wilco was pretty fantastic, and having the show outside in downtown Lawrence was way cool.

Before we drove back, we had a beer at the Replay Lounge and I totally dominated Shaw at Spider Man pinball. A band called Prizzy Prizzy Please from Bloomington, Ind., was playing. Not bad.

For the record, I still remember Pizza Shuttle’s number, too -- 842-1212. But me and my crowd, we were strictly Gumby’s people.
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Gumby's: 1445 West 23rd Street | Lawrence, KS 66046
Louise's Downtown: 1009 Massachusetts Street | Lawrence, KS 66044

Applebee's Quesadilla Burger

We draw the line at Riblets.

What with today being David Cook Day and our hometown American Idol rocking the Power & Light District just blocks from our office, in the interest of time and parking we decided to head the opposite direction. Having had a conversation with lunch friend Scott earlier in the week about the Quesadilla Burger and how wrong yet tasty it is, I already had "Eatin' Good in the Neighborhood" on my mind, so I half-joking half-seriously threw out Applebee's as a candidate. Amazingly, it was not rejected outright.

“I could do that,” said Scott, with equal parts shame and enthusiasm. Next thing you know, we were on our way to Applebee's on Rainbow Boulevard -- yours truly being maybe a little too excited to get my usual.

Some background. For the most part I’m anti casual chain dining -- I mean, there are so many other great places to eat. Everywhere, that is, except the drive from Kansas City to Wichita, where the Applebee’s in Emporia is pretty much your only choice.

It was on one such trip that I first tried the Quesadilla Burger, which is just what it sounds like. A greasy burger inside two tortillas with bacon, pepper jack, cheddar, pico de gallo, lettuce and something called “Mexi-Ranch Dressing.” This is the epitome of what casual chain restuarants should be -- ridiculously conceived entrees that give the finger to fine dining. The Quesadilla Burger is the culinary equivalent of the Applebee's "a garage sale exploded in a '70s parlor" decor. Exactly what I think would be on the menu at Uncle Moe’s Family Feedbag.

And hot damn is it good.

Cut back to the present, and I've got a usual at Applebee's. I'd say I'm embarrassed -- but I dig this burger so much, I almost don't mind having to go to Applebee's to get one. We made a solid call on lunch today.

One more thing -- our waitress kept pushing Stella Artois on us, asking “Would you like to try Stella, the new beer from Budweiser, brewed right here in Kansas City?” Scott pointed out that this question managed to cram three falsehoods into 17 words.

• First brewed in 1926, Stella Artois is by no means new.

• Though Stella Artois is technically imported and distributed in the United States by Anheuser-Busch, it isn’t really “from Budweiser.”

• Stella Artois is not brewed here in Kansas City.

Just saying.
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3404 Rainbow Boulevard | Kansas City, MO 66103

The Gaf

Bombs away!

We couldn’t not order the Irish Gut Bomb. It’s a massive pork tenderloin along with bacon, onion rings, fried eggs, red onion, lettuce, tomato, Irish cheddar and Jameson barbecue sauce, all on a toasted hoagie. Congratulations, Gaf! We are honored to award you the distinction of Lunch Blog’s Best Sandwich, Shamrock Division.

Full disclosure: Shaw and I split one of these awesome monstrosities at Guys’ Night, as did Dorsett and Voytek. That way we could justify an order of wings. The Gaf serves them up with both sections of the wing and the tip still connected, with a side of blue cheese dressing the size of a cup of soup. Overall the wings have a good flavor that is tangy and sweet, even if they don’t bring much in the way of heat.

In hindsight, I wish I’d gone with an Irish Gut Bomb all to myself. I have no doubt that I’ve got what it takes to totally demolish one -- and I will make that happen. Yes, Irish Gut Bomb. We will meet again, mano-a-sandwich.
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7122 Wornall | Kansas City, MO 64114

Go Chicken Go

That coyote's after you -- wait.

You could go to KFC, Popeye’s or Church’s, but last I checked the Colonel and friends won’t hook you up with chicken gizzards and livers. So ever since I discovered those are on the menu at Go Chicken Go, I’ve wanted to give this place a shot.

Shaw and I split a full order of gizzards and livers. My mom used to make fried chicken livers back when we lived in Louisiana, and I loved them -- in fact, I don't think before today I'd had any since then. The chicken livers at Go Chicken Go were pretty good, although I quickly figured out it was only going to take a few to satisfy my craving. I actually liked the gizzards better. They were a delicious vehicle for the fantastic hot sauce they came with. Our lunch friends trying all this for the first time didn’t seem to be fans of either. But for me personally, the gizzards and livers were right on. Even if a full order turned out to be overly ambitious, given that both Shaw and myself had ordered our own Fried Chicken Snacks.

With your Fried Chicken Snack, you get two pieces of chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy plus a roll. Calling this a “snack” is like saying the moment when our Jayhawks won the 2008 NCAA tournament was “nice.” It’s an understatement of massive proportions. Nevertheless, I found exactly what I wanted inside this red-and-white box with the sweet, old school, Road Runner ripoff logo that shows a yardbird making tracks so fast it's kicking up a cloud of dust -- straight-up great tasting fried chicken. Hot and crispy and juicy. Probably could've done with a gravy that wasn't so buttery on the potatoes, though.

We brought the rest of the gizzards and livers back with us to the office, where there sat on the lunch table the last of the cake from a birthday party our agency hosted yesterday. Hating to let some perfectly good leftovers go to waste, we hollowed out a piece from the bottom and stuck a gizzard inside. Thus far nobody has gone for it.

Come on people! Don’t you want some cake?
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5101 Troost | Kansas City, MO 64110

Red Dragon

Hello, I’m Hannibal Lecter and I’ll be your waiter today.

At Red Dragon, you can get a lunch special that includes soup, a main dish, fried rice and your choice of an egg roll or crab rangoon for $6. But let’s skip right to the best part of today’s action: Because they messed up Dylan and Troy’s orders and brought them crab rangoons, we scored those while our lunch friends waited for their replacement eggrolls. Surprise bonus crab rangoon -- ba-dam!

Look, I like crab rangoon, okay?

Per Lunch Blog rule #1, for my own order I got the Red Dragon Chicken, asking for it as spicy as they’re willing to make it -- my standard practice at any and all Chinese restaurants. It was pretty good, like a non-fried General Tso, even if it was hardly spicy. Pretty much par for the course. In instances like this, I’m always thankful for the sweet sinus-clearing burn of Chinese mustard. Shaw got the Triple Delight, and felt roughly the same about his lunch as I did mine.

We’ve been back at the office for two hours. I’m hungry.
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312 West 8th Street | Kansas City, MO 64105

McSkillet Burrito

It’s kind of McNasty.

I’ve been getting the McDonald’s breakfast burritos for years. They’re delicious. So when I saw that Ronald McDonald was pushing a new fancypants burrito called the McSkillet, I had to try it. Big mistake. Here are the major reasons why.

• Upon first bite, I discovered the "skillet potatoes" inside to be a bit mushy, like they’d been boiled too long or something. Gross. Besides, breakfast potatoes at McDonald’s should absolutely always be deep-fried and crispy like the clown's hash browns.
• Incorrect use of the word “skillet.” Sadly, this did not occur to me until I'd already ordered. For eating breakfast out purposes, I propose that to qualify as a “skillet” anything, the item must not only be cooked in a skillet -- and I've got my suspicious about the "skillet potatoes" -- it must also be served in said skillet. Like the Chicken Fried Steak Skillet at Village Inn. (The argument that the McGriddle is also named after its method of preparation while served in a wrapper doesn’t fly, either. That’s way different. Not to mention the McGriddle is mapley yum. Man, I wish I’d had a McGriddle instead.)
• “Skillet sauce” leakage. Ewww. It got on my sleeve and everything.

While we’re on the subject of McDonald’s, let’s talk about the Snack Wrap. I had one of these not too long ago, and I’m a fan. It’s basically a chicken soft taco, and you can have your chicken either grilled or “crispy,” which is code for fried. So what you get, assuming you’re making the right choice and getting it crispy, is a Chicken Select strip with cheese, lettuce and your choice of sauce inside a tortilla. I got mine Chipotle BBQ, which tastes exactly like regular barbecue sauce but sounds sort of gourmet. Fried plus tortilla? It’s my fast food kryptonite.

And, it’s a snack! Says so right there in the name. Like an apple, or perhaps string cheese. Clown, you are diabolical.