Swagger

We came for wings. Not a knuckle sandwich.

For Guys’ Night this month, we headed to Swagger for Monkey Mondays, when the special is $2 Flying Monkey pints and fifty cent wings. I arrived first, took a seat at the bar and ordered a beer. The bartender was pretty friendly and surprisingly frank, too -- I overheard a fellow patron ask him about one of the many beers Swagger has on tap, and his reply was, “Honestly, it’s not that good.”

All the seating in Swagger’s bar half had filled up by the time Robert, Dorsett and Voytek finally got there, so we made our way to the other side of the place, which aside from a couple of rowdy Golden Tee enthusiasts was mostly abandoned. We grabbed a high-top table and started to study the menu. Little did we know we’d already made a tactical error that would come to haunt us later.

For now, though, it was all about wings. Swagger offers four varieties -- buffalo, jerk, bbq and Cajun -- and we ordered a ton of each. Robert and I also got the Suribachi Burger to split.

Normally, the more kinds of wings a place has, the more average I expect them to be across the board -- so I’m excited to say that the wings at Swagger are delicious. Each variety has an excellent blend of heat and flavor. Here’s a rundown, from dry to wet:

• Cajun -- somehow buttery yet nearly sauceless, with the spices fried in
• BBQ -- tossed in a sauce more spicy than sweet, and then grilled for a nice cooked-in coating
• Buffalo -- one of the better, more well-balanced buffalo sauces I’ve had in town
• Jerk -- with a thick, dark brown peppery-sweet sauce, these were my second favorite after the buffalo

The Suribachi Burger is a 1/3 lb beef patty dipped in tempura batter and deep-fried, then topped with Asian mustard, pepper jack cheese, Sriracha sauce and wasabi coleslaw. I was dying to try it, despite some cautionary words from Voytek, who is currently in med school but should really keep it to himself until he’s a full-on doctor.

Overall, taste-wise the burger struck me as maybe a little too far on the hot end of the ideal heat-to-flavor scale, and surprisingly the batter didn’t add that much to the experience. However, the wasabi coleslaw was fantastic, and the hand-cut fries were great -- perfectly cooked and seasoned.

This is the part where I explain our aforementioned tactical error. Right by our table was a “Test Your Strength” boxing-style punching machine, and about the time we finished eating, a couple of guys wandered over to give it a go.

Okay, putting a punching machine in a bar? Horrible idea, for two key reasons. First off, it costs a dollar. Let’s say you get liquored up and angry enough to want to hit something, and then find out it’s a buck to take a swing. You’ll be looking for some free punching bags before long.

Second, there’s a whole public humiliation aspect to it if you don’t hit it hard enough, and come in on the lower end of the machine’s arbitrary and ridiculous ranking system. The levels are:

• Hopeless -- depicted as a sweaty fat guy
• Anemic -- a skinny old man that looks curiously like Alan Alda
• Brutal -- another old man, but short and droopy
• Killer -- who looks like a mustachioed Izzy Mandelbaum
• Superman -- a muscular, pretty boy type
• Boxer -- a very angry ‘roid case whose shoulders have swallowed the lower half of his head

Doing our best to avoid eye contact with the punching machine’s patrons, we somehow ended up talking to one of them anyway. The conversation went from agreeing that the machine was clearly broken because it wasn’t fully registering the hurt he was putting on it, to declining the opportunity to throw a punch at it on his dollar, to politely yet in no uncertain terms saying thanks but no thanks to a round of shots. And then the next thing you know, he was on his way to the bar to get us all shots anyway.

We never saw him again. Half an hour later when we went to the bar to tab out, neither he nor his friend were anywhere to be seen.

Aside from that, we had a great time at Swagger. I’m definitely interested in checking out more of the menu.

I’m just not sitting anywhere near that damn machine. ___________________________________
8431 Wornall Road | Kansas City, MO 64114

Blame It On Cain’s (Tulsa Road Trip 9/09, Part 2)

Despite the events below, we swear we really do like to drink good beer sometimes.

Cain’s Ballroom

Shaw: One of the best parts of Cain’s is that they’ll sell you Budwesier a six-pack at a time, plastic rings and all. We walked in and headed straight to the bar to pick a few up.

Good thing, too. The lady working the line told us they only had five six-packs left, so the four of us each bought one. And then just to be safe, we went back and got the last one a couple of minutes later.

Robert: Not only does having a six-pack at the ready mean you don’t have to go back to the bar and miss part of the show, but I imagine this is what it must feel like to walk around a ‘70s beer bust barn party.

Tonight was Elvis Costello’s last night on tour for his country album, Secret, Profane & Sugarcane. The ex-Angry Young Man played a lot of songs from that, as well as treated us to Americana takes on favorites like “Mystery Dance,” “Everyday I Write the Book,” and, of course, “Blame It On Cain.” It was a pretty fantastic show, and “The Carnegie Hall of Western Swing” was the perfect venue for it.

Shaw: With a band that included two guitars, an accordion, stand-up bass, dobro and fiddle, it was like hearing a country-flavored Elvis Costello cover band with the real Elvis Costello singing. Different, but incredible.

Rocking a purple fedora, Mr. Costello looked very dapper -- though at one point, the green cast of the lights plus his hat and the thick frames of his glasses made him look like the Riddler.

Robert: Maybe Elvis Costello really is an International Art Thief after all.

The Soundpony

Shaw: After the show, we decided to grab a quick beer at the next door to regroup and figure out where we should go from there. However, since The Soundpony had $1.50 Natural Light draws and some old school video games, we ended up staying awhile.

Robert: I took honors on Ms. Pac-Man and Moon Patrol, and Ryan dominated us all at Galaga. The Soundpony also has a Donkey Kong machine that even features the option to play the rare Donkey Kong 3.

Jeff, Ryan, Jeremy and I came here when we went to Cain’s to see Wilco last year, stopping in during happy hour, which lasts from 3 to 9 p.m and includes a free hot dog for every $4 you spend. That’s right -- a six-hour happy hour with free hot dogs. KC bars, please take note.

Shaw: The Soundpony is a cool bar. But man, that is a truly awful name.

I'll also give cheers to the music selection, but jeers to the bartenders who used the microphone behind the bar to subject everyone to their painful vocal accompaniment.

QuikTrip

Shaw: We left The Soundpony to go wander around downtown and look for some more substantial eats. But as it was after midnight and most places had stopped serving, we ended up calling a taxi to take us back to the QuikTrip by our hotel.

Robert: Ah, QT -- land of delicious roller-grilled foods. I got a burrito and a chili cheese taquito dog. Seriously, they’ve got to be just spinning a Wheel of Random Ingredients to concoct these new cylindrical delights.

Shaw: I stayed on the less adventurous end with two hot dogs for $2 and a 99¢ bag of Fritos. Without the availability of Chicago dog fixings or sauerkraut, the only proper way for me to have my hot dogs was with mustard and relish. No ketchup shall defile my hot dogs. Nor shall catsup, for all the Hunt’s fans out there.

Robert: I was a little disappointed there wasn’t even a single egg roll to be found on the grills, though. I do love some late-night Chinese food.

Next time on Lunch Blog: What does it take to get a Whatafarm in Tulsa?

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Cain’s Ballroom: 423 North Main Street | Tulsa, OK 74103

The Soundpony: 409 North Main Street | Tulsa, OK 74103

QuikTrip: 229 North Gilcrease Museum Road | Tulsa, OK 74127

Taco Bell Volcano Taco & Triple Steak Burrito + BarQuest: The Sand Trap

Take that, “Dante’s Peak” Taco!

“Looks like Dos Hombres is Closed Hombres.”

That’s what Dorsett said when he called Shaw and I on the way to this month’s Guys’ Night at Dos Hombres in Red Bridge, where they were supposed to have all-you-can-eat tacos on Tuesday nights. Thwarted! Scrambling for a Plan B, we opted to hit Taco Bell before going on an expedition for BarQuest, the continuing search for a neighborhood bar worth hanging out at in my area of town.

I’d been jonesing to try the Volcano Taco, and for 99¢ it wasn’t bad. Near as I can tell, it’s your standard Taco Bell crunchy taco in a red shell with one major difference -- lava sauce, a kind of politely spicy nacho cheese. Shaw’s Volcano Taco, however, was severely under-lavaed. Taco Bell, if you are going to call it a Volcano Taco, there better be Mt. Vesuvius amounts of lava sauce on there. Otherwise, it’s nothing but a red taco.

I was also excited to try the new Triple Steak Burrito, which looked way beyond the limits of awesome when I saw a commercial for it amidst drinking heroic amounts of beer at the Crawl For Cancer last Saturday. Yeah, one bite in, and I realized how wrong it is to pay $3.99 for anything at Taco Bell. I mean, for a couple dollars more I could go to Chipotle.

Besides, even though the Triple Steak Burrito’s “authentic” carne asada steak and fire-roasted salsa are pretty good, there’s Taco Bell rice in there. That’s fine in a Grilled Stuft Burrito where quantity of fillings is what it’s about, but in any other case, Taco Bell rice adds zero. All it does is take up space. Full disclosure: I’ve got a major aversion to Taco Bell rice stemming from my disappointment with the Cheesy Beefy Melt and how it turned out to be like one-third rice. That’s not a Cheesy Beefy Melt. That’s a Cheesy Beefy Ricey Melt -- and might as well be a Cheesy Beefy Sawdust Melt.

Not exactly sure what I thought the Triple Steak referred to when I saw the commercial. Certainly I didn’t believe there were three kinds of steak in it. Okay, I did, but cut me some slack -- to prove how much we truly despise cancer, we were dominating the beers big time. Rather, it’s called the Triple Steak Burrito because it’s got three times the steak of a Steak Burrito Supreme. Which I’ll go ahead and point out is so supreme, they don’t bother putting rice in it.

At $3.99, the Triple Steak Burrito made me nostalgic for the long gone 59¢ 79¢ 99¢ menu, when hardly anything the Bell served broke the $1 barrier. Aside from the Volcano Taco, I’m having a hard time getting excited about anything on the current 79¢ 89¢ 99¢ Why Pay More? Value Menu. Cheese Roll-Up? Eh. I so took for granted the days when I could get a Double Decker Taco or a Chili Cheese Burrito for less than a G. Washington. Such sweet memories.

En route to Taco Bell, we passed The Sand Trap at Blue Ridge & Holmes, and decided to give it a shot for BarQuest. (In a future entry, I’ll try to recap expeditions thus far to the Daily Limit and R.C.’s Back Door Bar & Grill.) With some links-related decor and Golden Tee, The Sand Trap was friendly enough -- they gave us a free round and kept the popcorn coming. But ultimately this place just wasn’t our speed. Especially considering none of the guys in attendance actually play golf.

The Sand Trap also has a Target Toss Pro: Bags machine, of which Shaw observed, “Perhaps the only thing I have less interest in playing than Bags: The Video Game, is playing Bags in real life.”
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The Sand Trap: 13037 Holmes | Kansas City, MO 64145