Whataburger

Pictured: Not the only Whataburger in America.

The Whatafarm is a burger topped with a breaded chicken patty, bacon, cheese and a fried egg. I first learned of it when Zach IM’ed me a link to the Seven Hamburgers of the Apocalypse. They say it’s “an entire farm in a burger.”

Talk about timing. In just a few days I’d be taking a road trip to Louisiana with the wife and kid -- and there was totally a Whataburger on our route. Score.

After a long day in the car, when we finally got there I was mad hungry. I walked up to the counter and ordered a Whatafarm, only for the lady at the register to look at me as if I was talking a brand new kind of malarkey -- which would be a feat considering Whataburger is open 24/7 so you know they get some crazies.

Tentatively attempting to make sense of my gibberish, she asked me, “The what...a...what?” I tried to explain that the Whatafarm is a menu item that I had seen on the Internet that apparently some other Whataburgers offered. She seemed to find the concept of multiple Whataburger locations to be equally daunting. “Other...Whataburgers?” Cutting my losses, I opted to just suck it up and order a double meat Whataburger.

Now, I’ve had Whataburger before, but my experience may or may not need an asterisk by it -- I was in Tulsa with the Pfannenstiel brothers after seeing a show at Cain’s, home of sixers of Bud for sale still in the rings. Not to mention I’m guessing the Iron Chefs of the Whataburger empire aren’t scheduled for 104 bla’glock in the morning (not a time or a measurement of time, per David Cross). So while the burgers served at that hour may be worthy of the average customer’s condition, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re up to Whataburger’s A-game.

I’m glad to report that my burger today was way tasty. Certainly the least greasy, freshest-tasting fast food burger I’ve had. Nicely toasted bun with two juicy patties, a couple of slices of melty cheese, lettuce, tomato, onion, pickles and mustard. Better yet, orange and white mints for after you’re done!

Add the double meat Whataburger to the list of fast food I wish I could get in Kansas City. Straight-up delicious, no gimmicks -- I’m looking at you, Burger King’s Loaded Steakhouse Burger.

I still want the Whatafarm, though. To that end, I’ve confirmed the closest Whataburger is in fact four hours away in Tulsa, Okla.

I’m thinking about it. Hey, Jeff and Ryan -- when are we going back to Cain’s?

UPDATE 10/23/08: Shaw found scoop on what up with the Whatafarm. This changes nothing.
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This location was somewhere in or near Shreveport, La.

Blanc Burgers + Bottles

I feel like I have to wear a tie to impress my burger.

For guys’ night this month we checked out Blanc Burgers + Bottles, a highfalutin’ burger joint in Westport. The gourmet burger is a tough draw. On one hand, it’s great to get something fairly commonplace done really well. But on the other, if you’re used to paying about $8 total for a burger and fries, you may feel a sting when you get the bill.

There’s no shortage of options when it comes to the bottles at Blanc. Aside from the 100+ beers, there’s all kinds of soda and other choices ranging from the standards to the questionable -- Root Beer Milk, anyone? If you want, you can have a milkshake, soda float or even a beer float.

This being guys’ night, we stuck to the beers -- non-float, thank you very much. Out of the ones we had, the big winner was Harviestoun’s Old Engine Oil Black Ale, a stout with a flavor characterized on the bottle as viscous, chocolatey and roasty. Despite having recently had a bad experience with Arcadia Ales’ Scottish Ale, Robert went ahead and tried that brewery’s HopMouth Double IPA and liked it quite a bit. I thought it tasted like dirt, although to be fair I’m not a fan of IPAs.

Looking at the menu, both Robert and I immediately gravitated toward the Pork Burger and its promise of a crispy, slow cooked patty. We decided to split that and another burger -- but we had trouble choosing between the pepper-crusted Au Poivre with its creamy green peppercorn sauce, or the American Kobe, mainly because how often do you get to have a $12 burger? (That $12 does not include a side, by the way.) Sadly, Blanc was out of the Pork Burger, so that took care of that.

We couldn’t taste the $12 in the American Kobe. It was pretty much just a burger. The Au Poivre was a completely different story, though -- so perfectly spicy, I may have blacked out a little eating it.

Sides are on the menu a la carte, literally served in small stainless steel shopping carts. We got an excellent order of Boulevard Pale Ale Onion Rings that were crunchy and heavily battered. We also got the truffle fries, which were good, but in retrospect I would have gone with the sweet potato fries. Big ups to the homemade condiments -- out of the three varieties that each side comes with, the chipotle aioli and mustard are pretty fantastic.

Voytek was with us, too. Apparently the ladies at the next table were eavesdropping -- as they were leaving, one of them told us, “I found your conversation to be very interesting.” This was highly suspect, as while I can’t say with 100% certainty what we were talking about, I’m pretty sure it was some kind of comic book minutiae. Then she told us to check out her community radio program that airs at 3 in the morning, and we figured out what was really up.

All in all, good food and good beers, even if I did have some sticker shock when my bill came to just over $30. Especially considering I’d had only the equivalent of a burger and side plus three beers. Admittedly, they were fancy beers, but that still feels a bit extravagant. The time to go to Blanc is lunch -- that’s when you can get a burger and half side for only $8.

UPDATE 7/25/08: We went back a couple of weeks later with some coworkers for lunch so we could try the Pork Burger -- Robert was so looking forward to it, he said if they didn’t have it this time he was “going to experience a meltdown of epic proportions.”

Bummer that the Pork Burger was merely okay, not so much crispy as simply a patty of shredded pork. We got to try the sweet potato fries this time around, and those lived up to our expectations. Robert ordered a Mexican Coke, made with pure cane sugar unlike American Coke, but couldn’t tell much of a difference in sweetness between that and the stateside variety.

Trust us -- if you go, we highly recommend the Au Poivre with either sweet potato fries or onion rings. That’s the ticket.
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419 Westport Road | Kansas City, MO 64114

Chili's

Finish your plate -- there are people starving at T.G.I. Friday's.

Continuing our trend of Megachain Restaurant Fridays, today we visited Applebee’s classier counterpart Chili’s to enjoy some good old-fashioned, over-complicatedly named gorgery -- for naming menu items is definitely one area where Chili’s destroys the competition. Take for example this 13-syllable juggernaut: Smokehouse Bacon Triple-the-Cheese Big Mouth Burger. It’s a mouthful.

Robert and I ordered up a Jalapeno Smokehouse Bacon Big Mouth Burger, and the Baby Back Ribs Mix & Match Combo with a half rack each of Habanero and Memphis Dry Rub. The ribs came with two sides, affording us the opportunity when asked which two we wanted to reply, “Mashed potatoes. Both kinds.” For the record, those are loaded mashed potatoes, which have all your standard baked potato toppings, and mashed potatoes with black pepper gravy.

If that sounds like a gigantic amount of food, well, that’s because it was. Overall I was really impressed with the way the burger balanced a good amount of flavor with the heat of the jalapenos. The ribs were okay -- between the two flavors I liked the habanero sauce better. The mashed potatoes were both decent, but I’d recommend the black pepper gravy if you’re only getting one.

Side Note: One reason I prefer Chili’s to Applebee’s is that nowhere on their menu will you find anything called “Riblets.” Riblets sound gross. It makes me think of the McRib sandwich with that meat patty molded to look like it’s still got bones in it, the finished effort roughly as convincing as if they’d used a Play-Doh barbecue playset to make it. Shudder.

As for the rest of our party, Zach got the Triple Dipper, Dylan got the Southern Smokehouse Bacon Big Mouth Burger and Scott went with the Fajita Quesadilla -- although how Chili’s missed naming it the Fajitadilla escapes me. Wells got the aforementioned Smokehouse Bacon Triple-the-Cheese Big Mouth Burger, but refused to utter its ridiculous name out loud, rather just pointing to it on the menu and saying, “That one.”

I picked the wrong day to wear a black polo and jeans, since when we got there I discovered that also happens to be your standard Chili’s server outfit. The guys tried to get me to walk around chatting up customers and handing out cards like I was the manager, but I was a chicken.

Oops, I mean an Apple-Marinated Pepper Lime Chick-O-Tastito.

Lunch Blog Fun-tivity Zone!
Combine anywhere between three to 12 words below and make your own delicious Chili’s entrée!

Applewood • Burger • Chicken • Bacon • Lime • Chipotle • Southwestern • Buffalo • Shanghai • Jerk • Rib • Ciabatta • Aioli • Smoked • Crispy • Fajita • Cheese • Beef • Mini • Triple • Zesty • Shrimp • Watermelon • Gargantuan • Margarita • Jalapeno • Habanero • Sandwich
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5880 Antioch | Mission, KS 66202

Burger King Loaded Steakhouse Burger

Bestowed unto you by royal decree of his starchy majesty.

I pulled into Burger King thinking I’d get my usual -- Double Stacker, Chicken Fries and onion rings. But that was before the Loaded Steakhouse Burger caught my eye.

At first, it seemed to be nothing more than a glorified bacon cheeseburger doused with A1 in an uninspired attempt to legitimize calling it “steakhouse.” Things didn’t get truly interesting until I saw the baked potato topping. It’s like they spread a scoop of cafeteria-style mashed potatoes across the upper half of the bun.

My first thought was, “Gross!” My second thought was, “I’m totally getting that.”

The Loaded Steakhouse Burger did not disappoint. The baked potato topping gives the bun a kind of extra starchy, creamy chewiness that keeps the bacon and the crispy onions in line. Meanwhile, it’s greasy anarchy down below with the 100% Angus beef, melty cheese and A1 steak sauce.

This burger deserves some fanfare for sheer audacity alone. However, after reading the following excerpt from a defiantly stone-faced yet technically correct press release, I have to wonder if Burger King is trying to pull a fast one or if they actually realize what it really is they’re selling here.

“Our new Steakhouse Burgers offer the indulgence of an entire steak dinner at a fraction of the cost,” said Russ Klein, president, global marketing, strategy and innovation, Burger King Corp.

Well, uh, okay, I guess -- I mean, if you consider a trip to the Sizzler an indulgence. Let me be clear, I am a fan of the Loaded Steakhouse Burger. But with all due respect, Mr. Klein, I don’t think anybody is going to mistake this for a trip to Plaza III.

Gumby's Pizza + Louise's Downtown

“Uh, hey -- do you guys deliver to KC?”

Ten years after graduating from college I can’t remember a thing from either semester I took of Astronomy, but I do still know the phone number for Gumby’s Pizza. So at the halfway point on the drive down K-10 with Shaw en route to see Wilco in Lawrence, I dialed 785-841-5000 to place an order for a pepperoni pizza and Pokey Stix. Since we had plans to rendezvous with Jeff, Jeremy and Ryan on Mass Street before the show, we picked up our food and took it with us to Louise’s Downtown.

We ordered schooners as soon as we walked through the door of the bar. Few things in life are as awesome as a schooner at Louise’s -- 32 oz. of ice cold domestic bliss served up in a glass goblet befitting of back alley royalty. They’re even better when daylight is coming through the front windows while you’re in one of the roomy wraparound booths where it’s kind of dark, the contrast making everything look all fuzzy as if you’re holding court with your friends at Cloud City's only dive bar. I'd halfway expect Lando Calrissian to walk in, only dressed more like Billy Dee Williams than Lando.

After Shaw and I said our hellos, we opened the Gumby’s box and discovered that they had neglected to actually cut our pepperoni pizza into slices, leaving us no choice but to literally tear into it. The pizza hit the spot, yet I couldn’t help feeling like there was something missing -- that delicious cheapness I loved was M.I.A. This was just...well...for better or worse, this was just pizza. Yeah, I know. I’m complaining about the pizza being higher quality than I remember.

Pokey Stix still rule. For the unfamiliar, think of a pizza cut vertically into thirds, and then cut across at about ¾” widths into tiny breadsticks. So garlicky. So buttery. And all that mozzarella-ella-ella-ella.

Couldn’t help but notice that the Gumby’s menu has gotten really complicated since we were in school. I’m fairly certain they only had pizzas and Pokey Stix back in the day -- now they’ve got salads, quesadillas, wings and like 25 or so different kinds each of subs, pasta, and rice bowls.

Let’s be honest. If you’re calling up Gumby’s, nine times out of ten you’ve already had a beer or eight. The last thing you want to do is to have to make a lot of decisions. And you’re certainly not thinking, “Rice bowl. I’d kill for a rice bowl.”

No, you need simple options. Gumby’s shouldn’t even give you a choice after 10 p.m. How it should work is you call them, tell them where you are, they bring you a pepperoni pizza and Pokey Stix, and you shut up and be happy about it. Might as well look on the bright side -- especially seeing as how there’s no more beer left in Lawrence because you just drank it all. At least you’re getting a late night snack.

As always, Wilco was pretty fantastic, and having the show outside in downtown Lawrence was way cool.

Before we drove back, we had a beer at the Replay Lounge and I totally dominated Shaw at Spider Man pinball. A band called Prizzy Prizzy Please from Bloomington, Ind., was playing. Not bad.

For the record, I still remember Pizza Shuttle’s number, too -- 842-1212. But me and my crowd, we were strictly Gumby’s people.
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Gumby's: 1445 West 23rd Street | Lawrence, KS 66046
Louise's Downtown: 1009 Massachusetts Street | Lawrence, KS 66044

Applebee's Quesadilla Burger

We draw the line at Riblets.

What with today being David Cook Day and our hometown American Idol rocking the Power & Light District just blocks from our office, in the interest of time and parking we decided to head the opposite direction. Having had a conversation with lunch friend Scott earlier in the week about the Quesadilla Burger and how wrong yet tasty it is, I already had "Eatin' Good in the Neighborhood" on my mind, so I half-joking half-seriously threw out Applebee's as a candidate. Amazingly, it was not rejected outright.

“I could do that,” said Scott, with equal parts shame and enthusiasm. Next thing you know, we were on our way to Applebee's on Rainbow Boulevard -- yours truly being maybe a little too excited to get my usual.

Some background. For the most part I’m anti casual chain dining -- I mean, there are so many other great places to eat. Everywhere, that is, except the drive from Kansas City to Wichita, where the Applebee’s in Emporia is pretty much your only choice.

It was on one such trip that I first tried the Quesadilla Burger, which is just what it sounds like. A greasy burger inside two tortillas with bacon, pepper jack, cheddar, pico de gallo, lettuce and something called “Mexi-Ranch Dressing.” This is the epitome of what casual chain restuarants should be -- ridiculously conceived entrees that give the finger to fine dining. The Quesadilla Burger is the culinary equivalent of the Applebee's "a garage sale exploded in a '70s parlor" decor. Exactly what I think would be on the menu at Uncle Moe’s Family Feedbag.

And hot damn is it good.

Cut back to the present, and I've got a usual at Applebee's. I'd say I'm embarrassed -- but I dig this burger so much, I almost don't mind having to go to Applebee's to get one. We made a solid call on lunch today.

One more thing -- our waitress kept pushing Stella Artois on us, asking “Would you like to try Stella, the new beer from Budweiser, brewed right here in Kansas City?” Scott pointed out that this question managed to cram three falsehoods into 17 words.

• First brewed in 1926, Stella Artois is by no means new.

• Though Stella Artois is technically imported and distributed in the United States by Anheuser-Busch, it isn’t really “from Budweiser.”

• Stella Artois is not brewed here in Kansas City.

Just saying.
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3404 Rainbow Boulevard | Kansas City, MO 66103

The Gaf

Bombs away!

We couldn’t not order the Irish Gut Bomb. It’s a massive pork tenderloin along with bacon, onion rings, fried eggs, red onion, lettuce, tomato, Irish cheddar and Jameson barbecue sauce, all on a toasted hoagie. Congratulations, Gaf! We are honored to award you the distinction of Lunch Blog’s Best Sandwich, Shamrock Division.

Full disclosure: Shaw and I split one of these awesome monstrosities at Guys’ Night, as did Dorsett and Voytek. That way we could justify an order of wings. The Gaf serves them up with both sections of the wing and the tip still connected, with a side of blue cheese dressing the size of a cup of soup. Overall the wings have a good flavor that is tangy and sweet, even if they don’t bring much in the way of heat.

In hindsight, I wish I’d gone with an Irish Gut Bomb all to myself. I have no doubt that I’ve got what it takes to totally demolish one -- and I will make that happen. Yes, Irish Gut Bomb. We will meet again, mano-a-sandwich.
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7122 Wornall | Kansas City, MO 64114