Thursday, February 23, 2012

Natty Daddy

Bad dad.

Did you know that Natural Light is the fifth best-selling beer in the United States? It’s true, all thanks to the efforts of myself, Shaw, Dorsett and the collective buying power of the high school population of America. You’re welcome, Anheuser-Busch.

I cannot, however, say thanks back for Natty Daddy ($1.79), the latest addition to the Natural Light family. Discovered out in the wild on a Friday afternoon beer run, there was no way I could pass it up, but I so wish I had.

Natty Daddy is a 24 oz. can of 8% ABV lager that’s “brewed with Natural Light’s all-natural ingredients.” It looks like it’s wrapped in frosted denim, which should’ve been a clear sign to me that as with anything wearing frosted denim, Natty Daddy is to be approached with extreme caution. Frosted denim always means trouble.

If you’re a lady, then hey pretty baby, Natty Daddy is looking for some fine thing to make history with, and he don’t take no for an answer. If you’re a guy, Natty Daddy is looking for a fight -- and he absolutely fights dirty.

Shaw and I cracked open our Natty Daddies and poured a little bit of them into a schooner (we weren’t sure what the correct glassware is for serving malt liquor) so we could check out the color. Natty Daddy is an angry hangover gold.

The taste has overtones of how garbage water smells, and it finishes soury sweet. After a pull on a Natty Daddy, Natural Light tastes near well like Boulevard's Tank 7.

Nearing the end of my Natty Daddy, I began to feel myself coming untethered from reality. Shaw tried to say something to me, but I couldn’t tell what because words had ceased to exist in my world and now all I could hear were colors. I wouldn’t be shocked to learn that one of Natty Daddy’s all-natural ingredients is peyote.

The cashier at Royal Liquors told me Natty Daddies are a hot seller right now. Note to our friends at Boulevard Brewing Company: Isn’t it time you expanded into the lucrative malt liquor market? You could call it The Alley, or maybe The Gutter. Man, we’re just giving away ideas here. Come on, I’ve got pride in Kansas City, and I'd like to spend my dollars on some hometown malt liquor.

Natty Mommy’s whereabouts are currently unknown. It's believed this is a “Sleeping With the Enemy”-type of situation.

6 comments:

  1. Ha ha --great post, Robert. I must try this, despite -- nay, because of-- your warning!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Eric -- perhaps I could bring over a few Natty Daddies, and you could finally introduce me to "KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park." Or would that leave too many mind scars?

      Delete
  2. Where can you by this mysterious Natty Daddy?

    ReplyDelete
  3. I love natty daddys! Im actually drinking one right now! I drink 5 to 6 of them a day. Theyre cheap (i get 3 24oz for $4.14) they dont taste bad at all and they have 8% alc/vol. Theyre awesome!!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. in a glass...two swigs...desired effect...nice

    ReplyDelete
  5. There's a secret here. The secret to downing a Natty Daddy (which I'm doing right now) is to down a Steel Reserve first. Trust me, you won't be bothered by little things like the bad taste by then!

    ReplyDelete