Saturday, May 23, 2009

Apocalyptic Ice Slurpee at 7-Eleven

Man, that Judgment Day sure was a bummer. Let’s get a Slurpee.

To kick start today’s marathon of all four Terminator movies -- a little something we’re calling Terminatorthon -- we went to 7-Eleven to try the new Apocalyptic Ice Slurpee. But according to Slurpee Nation, Apocalyptic Ice is more than a refreshing treat.
"The machines must be stopped, and every sweet citrusy sip you take of blood orange is a step toward their destruction.”
Whoa. That’s a lot of pressure. I mean, how many of these Slurpees do I have to drink before Skynet goes ka-plooey? Is a Terminator going to get me if I’m momentarily sidelined by a cold headache?

Instead of tasting like nuclear desolation, Apocalyptic Ice actually tastes kind of like Ecto Cooler used to, back when you could still get it anyway. Hey, maybe we should try shorting out Skynet via a good old-fashioned sliming.

Scratch that. Bad idea. I’m iffy on the effects of getting slimed by Slimer, but it seems like that could have the potential to imbue the Terminators with the arcane supernatural powers of the dead whose souls have been cursed to wander the earth. And that just sounds like nothing but trouble.

Wait -- hold up again. The 7-11 website is selling a different story about Apocalyptic Ice.
“This blood orange Slurpee drink flavor awakens the machine in you with a sweet, citrus taste.”
So now I’m a robot sleeper agent? But I don’t want to be a Terminator!

I’m so confused. As if I wasn’t already having a hard enough time getting my head around why John Connor and Bruce Wayne look so much alike. Is Batman like John Connor’s uncle? Are they brothers or something?

Clearly, the smartest thing we can do is travel back in time and prevent the Apocalyptic Ice Slurpee from ever being created.

Secondary mission: Stockpile Ecto Cooler. That stuff was so good.

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